Hanukkah music is the unsung hero of holiday music, and no true high-school chorus concert is complete without it.Around the fourth time I participated in a holiday concert, something started to dawn on me--our chosen "Hanukkah" songs were always nearly identical, melodically and lyrically.
In fact, with a bit of practice and natural talent, I quickly learned that I could improvise my own songs by following a few rudimentary rules:
1. Hanukkah songs are always in a melodic minor key--think "Arabian Nights" from Disney's "Aladdin," or "Prince Ali" from the same film.
In composition, this is the key used solely to add a cheap, faux-Middle Eastern twist to your music.
If it's not in a melodic minor key, you don't have a Hanukkah song. You have a piece of shit.
2. Make lots of vague references to "lights" and "candles," and remind people that "we're going to have some fun tonight."
3. Include a few irrelevant Yiddish phrases. If this is too much work, you can shout "La'chaim!" at the end of the song (our preferred method of ending Hanukkah songs in the Galloway School chorus).
4. Mention dreidels. Do not mention circumcisions, as this is not a Hanukkah tradition.
5. I wrote a song that included the line, "Crack out the latkes." You do not have permission to use this line.
My guess is that before Hanukkah had to step up its game to compete with the commercial behemoth of Christmas, Jews probably didn't care much about composing catchy music for a marginal holiday in their religion. How many Good Friday songs can you name?
But composers have done a good job in the last thirty years of dashing off acceptable holiday fare that can sit comfortably in between "Sleigh Ride" and "White Christmas," and most of it does make me appreciate that Hanukkah indeed has something or other to do with lights.
I HATE: CHRISTMAS MUSIC
Okay, let's get this out of the way first. When I say I hate "Christmas Music," this obviously excludes:1. The music from "A Charlie Brown Christmas." This music is so melancholy and spirit-breaking, that you usually forget it has anything to do with Christmas.
2. The carol "Sleigh Ride." "Sleigh Ride" is a genuinely good carol. It has a funky rhythm, a nice percussion section, and some pretty revolutionary chord changes for its time, even if I could do without the line about "spearing the skulls of our enemies."
That being said, I hate Christmas music. I not only hate Christmas music, but I am suspicious of anyone who enjoys it.
Can people really still feel nostalgic about these songs after hearing them on loop, for two months, every year, for 45 straight years?
And did I mention that I hate children, laughter, and charity?
I realize this is making me look like a Scrooge.
But I challenge anyone to listen to "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" or "I'm Gettin' Nuttin' For Christmas" for eight hours a day at work without complaining to your superiors ("Some customers like it," was the response I got today).
I'm not trying to have a "merry little Christmas," and I don't want to hear your a capella rendition of it.
I don't care if Santa Claus is coming to town, as long as I don't have to hear you scat sing over the chord changes.
And would Jesus have wanted to hear a saxophone solo in "Jingle Bells?" Maybe. But I sure don't.
I enjoy the holidays. But can we all agree to just retire the music and start listening to "Moving Pictures"-era Rush instead?
